The Curse of the Good Girl

Rachel Simmons has written a book called The Curse of the Good Girl that is getting a lot of attention, for good reason. It makes sense! Right now this book is 4th on my reading list, but it may be moved up =) The following is from the bit I heard on NPR; you can find the audio here.

I definitely think I fit under this curse. People who know me know that I always put others before myself, and yes, sometimes it comes back to bite me.

Let's take a step back. What is a good girl? Simmons calls a good girl somebody who is always polite, selfless, and modest. The curse is that people will walk over you, and sometimes it's not helpful to yourself or anyone else to be a good girl all the time. You don't have a full range of emotions because you're too busy being polite - so your anger builds up and you explode at improper times, or worse, you never get your anger out.

Good girls also grow up to be diminished in the workplace - they often begin sentences by "I don't know if this is correct, but this is my opinion." Do we want young women growing up to diminish themselves? Of course not!

This all leads back to how you were raised. I'm not sure how I was raised. Yes I know to put on a pot of tea whenever somebody comes into the house, and always serve food and drink on a tray, even if it's one person, but what does that have to do with giving my opinion?

I'm not sure there was enough discussion in my house when I was little to even have something to discuss. I know as I've gotten older, my parents do ask for my point of view because I generally have a complete 180 opinion than they do. And of course, if I ever do share it, they tell me I'm wrong. Is that part of this?

I have no answers unfortunately, just food for thought. If you read the book, let me know what you think.

Finding Satisfaction

I was talking to my brother today, telling him how this weekend had me stressed out. No no, not about work like a "normal" person, but about all my extracurricular activities (is that still the term to use when you're not in school?).

Girl Scouts has changed from bi-weekly to weekly, which I'm very excited about. This year we're going to start doing service projects, and slowly let girls take the lead in meetings, so they develop leadership skills. It's all part of the girl progression. However, weekly meeting also means more work.

Then there's the mentoring at SGS. I cannot wait to meet my mentee - she's a 7th grader, which was one of my toughest years in school, so I am so happy at the prospect of being able to help her. However, seeing as this is one of my passions, I want to do a lot of the suggested reading they gave us. Therefore, more work.

There's also all the projects I've taken on... Olivia, Bhailu, Mom, Tanya, Jolie... I love it all, but it's time.

And there's the ridiculous amount of television I watch.

Oh and the 200 or so books I have on my "need to read" list.

All this makes me happy, no matter how stressed I get about how much I want to complete. All of this is voluntary, but I want to do it. As my brother put it, this is a good problem to have - having so much to do that you love, that you don't have enough time for it.

However, I'm not feeling completely satisfied yet. Something is missing. I'm just not sure what yet.

Seattle Girls' School

"Girls in single-sex schools have higher self-esteem, are more interested in nontraditional subjects such as science and math, and are less likely to stereotype jobs and careers. They are intellectually curious, serious about their studies and achieve more."~Drs. Myra and David Sadker

As many of you know, something I concentrate a lot in my life is keeping girls interested in science, math and technology (see my post on Grace Hopper). I recently (as of yesterday!) started being a mentor at the Seattle Girls' School. It's a middle school comprised of grades 5-8 that focuses on integrated learning and developing female leaders. High schools that these girls go on to report that they can easily spot the SGS girls because they raise their hands in class, don't back down from an argument, and can manage projects easily.

What attracts me to this school even more is that they have commitments to diversity and meet or exceed them every year. For the 2008-2009 school year, 40% of SGS students are girls of coolor, and 20% identify themselves as multi-racial. This is VERY impressive in Seattle.

Since the school gets no government funding (they're technically a 501(c) - an education non-profit) they have to charge tuition. However, no girl will be denied admission based on money. So they dedicate to providing a minimum of 30% of its students with need-based financial aid.

I just wanted to do a quick intro post on this whiel it was fresh in my mind. Expect to see more posts as I get more involved in this, apply it to my Girl Scouts, go through the suggested reading list they gave us, and go to Grace Hopper in 2 weeks. I'm happy to have something I'm passionate about come back into my life!

Pearls of Wisdon

I went to a fabulous leadership summit today put together by the Seattle Urban League of Young Professionals (SULYP). I came away with a lot of info, and thought I may as well share it with all of you.

• A good medium term investment are VULs. (I had never heard of this before, so all I'm sharing is the Wikipedia link)
• "I flunked out of college, but I had fun." - former Mayor of Seattle, Norm Rice
• Wherever you work, know the company's strategic vision and build your elevator pitch (your 10 second marketing pitch about yourself) around it and how you can help the company achieve it's goals. And if you don't have a 10 second marketing pitch about yourself, create one!
• Don't look at your destination. Look at your journey.
• Be ready to make hard choices.
• Learn something new everyday.
• Courage is the most important tool you can have at your workplace.
  
• Find one thing you admire about everybody you work with. That way, when you have a conflict with that person, you have something nice you can say to them and hopefully work your way back to center.
• "What would you do if you knew you would not fail?"
  
• When you pick a mentor, make sure it's somebody you would be comfortable sharing your performance reviews with. You need to make sure you're working on your problem areas.
• At work, set goals for yourself that you would be proud to accomplish. Even if your manager only gives you an average rating on your performance, you will be happy.
• Sometimes you lead from behind. Be a good follower.

Hope somebody finds something good in there!

Just Treat Me Like A Normal Person

It has officially been 2 months since I was laid off. In this time, I've come to realize a lot of people don't know how to treat somebody that's unemployed. (Note, of course, this strictly applies to me; different people cope in different ways.) The answer is simple: treat them exactly as you would if they weren't unemployed.

You don't have to discontinue conversation with the person because you don't know what to say, or you feel bad. You say "I'm sorry this happened, I don't know what to say. If you need anything, let me know." And then you move on. Or, don't say anything at all. Unfortunately, I need more than one hand to count the number of people who have stopped speaking to me. Whether it's because they only liked me because of my job, or because they don't know what to say, I don't know. Either way, it's not something that should happen.

Please don't ask me if I'm hanging in there, or how I'm holding up. A regular "How are you" is fine. And when I say I'm OK, or fine, don't follow up with "Are you sure?" or "Are you really?" with a pity look on your face. That is not helpful. If I'm having a good day, you just made it worse. Don't imply that I shouldn't be okay.

Do NOT ask me what I'm going to do if I don't find a job. It's bad enough going through worst-case scenarios in my own head, but I don't need to vocalize them. Along with this goes money. Don't ask how long I can hold out, or any variation thereof.

In terms of approaching, please don't ask me how the job hunt is going. I understand you are asking out of care and concern, but if I'm out enjoying myself, I don't want to talk about it. Unemployment is not a voluntary position (or at least not for me it isn't). It's very different to ask somebody how work is going than to ask them how job hunting is going. Work is generally something people enjoy. Job hunting is no bundle of joy.

If I'm feeling down one day you see me, when you see me next time, please don't ask me why I was sad last time. All it does is remind me of why I wasn't feeling like myself, and make me upset all over again.

Think about it this way: if I had broken up with my boyfriend (or vice-versa) would you pester me about whether we had gotten back together, or if I was dating somebody new every time you saw me? No right? This is essentially the same - for all intents and purposes, Microsoft broke up with me.

I know all this sounds really harsh, and understand no one person or one thing is making me write this. It's just a culmination of the past 2 months. I do appreciate everyone showing their love, but please just let me be and don't pressure me into talking. If I want to talk, I'll let you know. I will not move without telling anybody, and I won't get a new job without telling anybody.

Just treat me like a normal person.